Where's James?
by BeverlyAnna
Summary: James is nowhere to be found, and the Marauders have warned Lily not to seek him out. But what happens when she stumbles upon him by accident?


"Has anyone seen James?" Lily asked as she slumped down next to ¾ of the marauders seated at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall.

The three boys shared a meaningful look, and then shook their heads in unison.

"Oh, very convincing," Lily said, rolling her eyes.

"I can genuinely say that he didn't tell us where he was going," Sirius said.

"And I can genuinely say that I haven't _seen_ him," Remus continued.

"So," Lily persisted, filching a piece of bread from the middle of the table, "you've at least managed to locate him on the map, is what you're saying?"

The boys exchanged looks again, but Lily could see in their expressions that she was right. Proudly, she took a bite of her roll and chewed as the three seemed to have a silent conversation.

"Lily," Peter was finally the one to speak up, "I'm afraid we just can't say where he is."

She rolled her eyes again, not in the mood for games. "Did he at least say why he was so off this morning?" she pressed.

The atmosphere at the table changed notably, as each of the boys' demeanors sobered. "Yeah, Lily," Remus answered. "He did. He doesn't want anything getting around just yet, so I'm afraid we can't say anything. But please, respect him enough to let him be alone."

Lily look another bite from her bread, this time delicately. "Is everything alright?"

It was evident from their expressions that _no_ , everything was not alright. It was Sirius who vocalized this information. "It's really not," he said, his voice almost cracking. "But you've got to respect James enough to let him have his time alone."

Lily nodded at Sirius, and then said to him solemnly, "You let me know if you need anything, understood?"

"Me?" he repeated back dumbly.

Lily stared at him for a moment, taking in his swollen eyes and red cheeks. He'd been crying, and he hadn't even bothered to hide it under a good concealer spell. Clearly whatever was affecting James was hitting him pretty hard, too.

She stood up from where she was and approached Sirius, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Yes," she said, "you." She gave his shoulder a squeeze and said, "You let me know if you need anything: a talk, a cry, a snack filched from the kitchens."

He tossed her a gentle smile. "Thanks, Lily," he said.

She smiled back at him, and then excused herself from the lads.

Lily respected James and his friends enough to follow their wishes. She wasn't going to go looking for him. However, that didn't mean that she wasn't going to try and get in contact with him. She went back to her room, and decided to quickly pen him a letter.

 _J_ —

 _I've been advised not to look for you because you want to be alone. I'd be inclined to ignore this advice, but I'm currently no match for both the map_ and _the cloak. So, I hope you're doing alright. Let me know if there's something you want to talk about, yeah? I'm always here if you need me._

— _L_

Lily folded up her hastily scrawled note and then set off to the Owlery in search of James's owl. She was disappointed to find that Leander was nowhere in sight. Because she knew James. If he wanted to be alone, she knew that he would not answer a letter from any Hogwarts owl. He certainly wouldn't have opened a letter from Lily's owl. And while he may have read a letter from Sirius's owl, Lily was too uncertain to risk it. She was sure that if she wanted her message to reach James, Leander had to be the owl to carry it.

With a sigh, she spoke to the room at large. "Any sign of Leander?" she asked the owls, receiving several dozen blank stares in return. "No?" she said dejectedly. "Perhaps I'll check the Astronomy Tower."

She continued her trek upwards through the tower. Lily knew that sometimes the owls would fly up there, and figured it was as good a place as any to look.

It took her nearly fifteen minutes of walking up flights of spiral staircases before she had reached the Astronomy Tower.

She walked onto the main platform panting a bit from the effort that the stairs had taken out of her, but by the time she'd reached the outside area of the Tower she'd pulled herself together.

Which was good, as things up there were falling apart.

The first thing she spotted was not James's owl, but James himself. He was slumped against the wall, with a fire levitating in front of him. With deliberate malice, he was taking papers from a stack next to him, ripping them up, and chucking them into the fire in front of him.

The flames illuminated his face enough for Lily to see that he was crying, though the tears looked more like they were from anger than anything else.

Lily panicked for a moment. Actually finding James hadn't been a part of her plan. Sending him a letter, letting him know she was there when he was ready… Yes. Barging in on him while he was having a cry? Not quite what she had in mind.

But seeing what a bad state he was in, Lily knew that she couldn't walk away. Instead, she cleared her throat to let him know she was there.

James flinched, and with a quick flick of his wand he had extinguished the flames in front of him. He brushed quickly at the tears on his face, and then he turned to face Lily.

"I'm going to kill them," he snarled. "They promised me they wouldn't tell anyone —"

"No one's said anything to me," Lily replied, holding her hands up in a gesture of honesty. "I came up here looking for your owl."

"Leander?" James said, distracted from his grief for a moment. His eyebrows puckered together as he pointed to the opposite side of the tower. "You found him."

"Great," Lily replied, nodding at James and then walking towards the owl. "Thanks." She quickly fumbled with taking her letter from her pocket, and then she passed it over to Leander. She stroked him gently on the head, and then quietly requested, "To James, please?"

The bird ruffled his brown feathers, gave Lily a quick nip, and then flew all of twenty-five feet to where James was watching on the floor.

James gave Lily an unamused look, and then took the letter from his owl. He took a moment to read it over, and as he did so, he seemed to crumple.

"You really didn't mean to find me here?" James asked

"I really didn't," she said. She approached him slowly, with her hands held loosely behind her back. "So I'm happy to go if you want me to. But, please, when you're ready to talk —"

James pushed his glasses to the top of his head, and then pressed his palms against his face. "I'd like to talk, Lils." His words were muffled, but the second Lily was able to make them out, she quickly found herself at his side. She slid to the floor with him, and rested her arm gently around his shoulders.

"Whenever you're ready," she prompted him, slowly rubbing her hand against his arm.

James lifted his head enough to meet Lily's eyes, and then he quietly muttered the words, "I'm an orphan."

Lily froze. She wasn't sure what she had been expecting to hear, but that certainly wasn't it. "James," she whispered, horrified, "I —"

"I'm not really looking for pity right now," he said. "I'm just…" He shook his head and allowed his glasses to fall in front of his eyes again. "I got a letter from the Ministry. The sodding Ministry," he said with disgust.

He sat himself up for a moment to grab one of the papers he had been burning, and then he passed it over to Lily. While Lily began to read, James's hand found hers, and their fingers intertwined.

 _Dear Mr. Potter,  
_

 _We are writing to you in lieu of an in-person visit because of your status as a Hogwarts student. It is with our deepest condolences that we inform you of the deaths of your family members Gerard and Vivian Potter._

 _Both have been valued members of our Auror department, and it will be very difficult to continue on without them. You can be assured that both will be receiving a posthumous Order of Merlin for the services that they have provided._

 _A detailed account of their deaths will be sent to you once all witnesses have been spoken to. Please take comfort knowing that both Gerard and Vivian died heroes. They put the lives of others before their own, and there are many indebted to them._

 _We offer our sincerest sympathies._

 _On Behalf of The Ministry of Magic,_

 _Charles Gilson_

 _Undersecretary to Sir Kenneth Lyons_

"James, this is —"

"Awful, impersonal, and unprofessional?" he interrupted her sharply. "I know. Almost as soon as I got it, letters started flooding in from members of the Auror department. A few members who were there explained it to me. It was a raid gone wrong. They were trying to rescue a couple of Muggleborns the Death Eaters have been using as test-subjects for curses." James gave Lily's hand a tight squeeze. "They got them out. They got them into hiding. And then my mum — head of the department, you remember? — went back in to make sure that they'd gotten everyone out. It turned out they hadn't. She found four additional people being tortured, got them out, but wasn't able to get herself out. She was trying to protect my dad. My dad was trying to protect her. There were just too many Death Eaters. They took out a few of them, but my parents and a couple of their friends didn't make it." James was remarkably composed as he recounted the tale of his parents' heroism. Mostly because it didn't feel real. It felt more like a story than a series of true events.

"And then I got other letters. You know, thanking my parents, offering support, telling me how great they were. As if I don't know how great my own parents were! They're really something else. Especially mum. Merlin, Lily," he said, getting choked up once again, "I know you only got to meet her a few times, but you two could've been thick as thieves. She was…"

"Remarkable," Lily filled in when James was unable to finish. "Truly remarkable. Your father, too. They made me feel more welcome than any other adults I've ever met. They made me feel like family."

"Family," James repeated back. "I haven't got that now."

"Hey," Lily said, reaching a hand up and placing it on James's cheek. "Yes, you do. It's not the same," her voice shook as she spoke, "Merlin, it's not the same. But you've got the lads, and you've got me. We're you're family."

James offered Lily a weak smile, and then pressed a watery kiss against her lips. "That's good to hear," he lamented. "Because I'm really going to need you."


End file.
